The New Poker Diet

Forget about the low-carb craze! Disregard all you've read about calorie counting! Don't bother wearing out your joints on a silly treadmill! Splashing the pot and mucking cards is the way to go to shed those unwanted pounds! Shuffling chips and raking in wins will shape and tone those target areas. Everybody, follow along now - 1 bet, 2 bet, 3 bet, Cap it!

I started taking my diet more seriously this weekend. Wifey and I hit the Midway for some 3/6 on Saturday night, around 10pm. We started on the 2nd table, younger table, friendly game - and by 'friendly' I mean $15 pots, if that. A seat opened up on the main table and I moved over, wanting a piece of the $50 pots over there. Unfortunately, the table was full of wild players, capping pre-flop and calling any bets to catch their runner-runner two-pair for the win. As you can imagine, my $80 didn't last me long there.

Of course, as soon as I left the seat, the guy who replaced me won with the best hands 3 times in a row. If nothing else, at least I'm a good seat-warmer.

I bought back into the 2nd table when some new people showed up, and the table became much more loose-passive. Larger pots, and easier to scare off everyone with a Turn or River raise. I bluffed a 34o with a K on the flop and runner-runner Queens and raked in at least $40. By the end of the night, 5:30am, I had recovered my $200 buy-in and was up another $100. The wife only broke even.

So we took our cash and headed over to the Muckleshoot, which was open all night. I snuck over to the Craps table when Shawni had to go to the bathroom, and bought in with $40. I was up $20 before she came out and yanked me away. Who's got a gambling problem? Not me! :)

All of their 2/4 tables were closed and they only had 4/8 and 20/40 games going. If they had some 50/100 tables running, we might have played there; but since they didn't, we stuck to the 4/8. :) It was our first time higher than 3/6, so it was a bit intimidating, but we both went ahead and bought in at $150 and sat at different tables.

I waited a few hands for the button to pass, and the very first two cards I get to see are KTs. I go ahead and limp in to catch a K on the flop. It gets checked around to me and I bet, and get half of the table to call. A Ten on the turn and I'm still getting callers. I'm sure they were all thinking I was some fish betting with A high trying to bluff them out. Another Ten gives me the Full House. EP glares at me and says, "Check to the bettor." I smile back and shrug, "I hate to do this guys, but I gotta keep betting." Another caller or so and I get to show off my monster opener. It was a very nice rake, especially after coming from the piddlance of a 3/6 game!

The wife held her own at her table, and we both adjusted pretty nicely to the extra chip per call. There was only once, when someone left and I had to post a Small Blind on the Button, that I threw out a single chip. An older gentleman to my left nudges me and says, "It's two on the small blind, kiddo. You're a 2/4 player huh? Just gave yourself away!" I tried to explain I'd been playing 3/6 all night... maybe I should have just told him I came from a 200/400 table and was used to throwing out a single Black for the SB. A boy can dream, right?

Now it was close to 9:30am, and we'd been playing poker for almost 12 hours straight. Talk about a marathon run! The only reason we had to leave the Casino was that Shawni had her UltimateBet Freeroll starting up at 10am! At some point I had gotten all the way down to just one stack of 20 chips, but worked my way back up and never had to once go all-in. When it was finally time to go, I had broken even, plus had enough to toke the dealer and see one more flop. I held 25o and went ahead and called it and flopped 2 pair! Now I had to break into my initial buy-in to bet it. Got called only by the old guy who had tried to out me as a 2/4 player. I check-raised him on the Turn, and he stopped and looked at me. "Now you got me all confused!" I checked on the River, and he threw in his last $5: "Well, at least you can't raise me again!"

He showed his unimproved AQ and I meekly rolled over my winning hand. "Sorry, it was my last hand and no one raised pre-flop so I called," I told him. He patted me on the back as he got up and left. "That's alright son. That's poker." The guy to my right - we'd been laughing together about the fact that he got crappy blind hands but was always winning with them anyways - he said, "It's one of those night where the shit hand catches... but you're almost embarrassed to show them!" As I was racking up my chips, I hear someone on the other end of the table chuckle as he looked at his cards and limped in. After the flop, he mucked and said, "It was 25... I had to try it!"

That wonderful last hand kicked me up another $20, and Shawni was up $100 as well. So between the two of us, we put in 24 hours and made $240. I don't think I've ever worked so hard in my life for $5/hr, but at least it was hella fun!

The next scheduled meal in our Poker Diet was UB's $100 Tournament Entry Chip freeroll from 10:15a to probably 1:00pm. Then we were going to hit up the Cascade at 3:00 - Shawni for their Vegas freeroll qualifier, me for the $25 cash tourney. That would be followed at 7:00 by the Midway's qualifier and then the Pai-Gow tournament.

We took turns playing hands at UB, so the other could wash up or get some food, etc. But after an hour and a half, both of us started glazing over and falling asleep at the mouse. Something quite different about playing poker at a real table versus on your laptop in the comfort of... your... own... bed... Zzzz.... Zzzz... Zzzzzzzz.

Fast forward to about 5:30pm. Missed the Cascade tourneys, but was awake and refreshed for the Midway. Since it was the second to last week to qualify for the final table, EVERYONE was there for the Freeroll. They had to break down the live game and use all 4 tables for the tourney.

Shawni busted out pretty early, and I got short-stacked when twice in a row, I called two smaller All-ins with the better hand, and got wasted by the board. I caught two pair with K7 on the board, went all-in and got called by an AJs on a Flush draw. She got a third J on the River. Next hand I called a short-stack with AK, he had AQ, and 2 Queens flopped. I came back up a bit in a crazy hand when 4 people pushed all-in (myself included), the chip leader at the table covered it all, and his pocket Js lost to pocket 6s, my 45d, 34o, and A5o. The board was 346,9,2 giving the all-ins two-pair, a set, and the main pot I had to split the straight with Mr. A5o. Everyone got a piece of it except for the one with the best pre-flop hand. I finally lost when I went all-in with KQc, and I was called with an 8To that paired up on the flop.

Played some 3/6 while I waited for my round in the Pai-gow tournament. Lost $150 before I got called away - but then made it to the final table of the Tournament and chop-chopped the $1000 prize pool again. No one dissented this time, so it would be $150 per person. The pit boss wouldn't just give us the cash, so we had to play, "for the cameras." Myself and two others who were also involved in the previous week's prize splitting agreed to be the ones to win, as we weren't sure we could trust the other 3 to not just take the money and run. We had everyone bet all their chips and just muck their hands, leaving us three ringleaders with enough to place. We got paid in Casino chips, and I was responsible for distributing. I thought a second about asking security to escort me out with the $1000 that was in front of me; but then I probably wouldn't be able to ever show my face there again. :)

While I was breaking even at the Pai-gow tourney, Wifey was up $100 at the poker table. We finally left there about 3am, as I still have a job to show up for on Mondays. As you can imagine, my productivity was somewhat shot. Hell, it's Wednesday and I'm just now getting around to posting this.

But hey, this Poker diet is worth it! Not only are we up $300 for a loooooong weekend of entertainment... I'm actually down 10 pounds from the last time I weighed myself a few weeks ago! Who would have thought the best weight loss regiment would be just sitting around a green felt table for hours?

Hey Jenny Craig, bring me another rack, will ya!