Lesson Learned

So this post was going to be titled "Payday" but that is no longer applicable. An acquaintance of mine told me about some online gambling he does - basically bonus whoring but through sports-betting. Won't get into details here but feel free to ask if interested. We set up an account with $2000 (of his money) and put as much "action" on it as possible to clear the bonus. The site has a java-based casino and any play on there counts towards the action as well. He said I could play some $5 blackjack on the account just to help clear the bonus (of which I was getting a cut). As long as I didn't lose more than $200 or $300, he'd still be in the positive.

After a few hours of play on Friday, I called him up and asked how he wanted to split the BJ winnings. He said the winnings were mine to keep... and I was up a grand! It was totally crazy - I would play the max of $200 on three hands, and hit Blackjacks and double downs that paid off. I did stupid things like doubling down on 12 and 13, and split 10s and it worked! I played on and off throughout the weekend, between setting things up for Halloween; and by Monday, the time of my last post, I had an extra $5000 that was mine to keep.

Obviously, I had played enough to clear the bonuses and initiated the cash-out process. It would take a day or two to verify the bank account. My wife and I started talking about a quick weekend trip to Vegas. We talked about taking $500 each and trying out some 5/10 tables. I was ready to put a few hundred into Neteller so I could open up an account at Party Poker.

But instead of being a good disciplined gambler, being happy with what I'd won, waiting for the bank verification to clear and then taking the money and running, I played some more on Monday night. Shit, wouldn't you know it, I went on a mad rush and broke $10,000. I should have quit then, but I didn't. I couldn't. I felt unstoppable.

I learned the hard way that online casinos are rigged. As soon as I doubled or tripled up my bet amounts, dealer Blackjack. Three hands at $200 each, all dealt 19 or 20, dealer gets a 5-card 21. Crap.

My $10k whittled back down towards $5k. I quickly exited (which I should have done 30 minutes earlier when the account was still at 5 digits) and tried to go to sleep. It was difficult because I felt sick to my stomach, and I couldn't even bring myself to tell my wife. I don't know why I felt this way, because even at just $5k, I was still in the money.

I wish I would have realized that when I woke up this morning. The first thing I did when I awoke was log on and try to get back to $10k. It's not like I was in the hole or anything, so I don't know why I tried so hard. I guess I was just on a major tilt. Not an hour later, I'm down to $500. 5-0-0. Five hundred. Fuck. Now I really felt sick. I seriously wanted to cry. I had to run to the bathroom cause I felt like I was going to throw up. The sound of my gagging woke the wife, and I had to tell her what I just did.

She was mad about the fact that I didn't stop at the $2000 mark, and now we have to cover my acquaintance's money out of our own pocket. She was okay with the rest of the loss... it wasn't money we were counting on, although it would have been nice to have that cash to play with.

I, of course, can still not get over the fact that I piddled away almost $10,000. I mean, that's always been a dream of mine, to roll up to a $100 minimum Craps table with a wad of cash and have thousands out on the table at once. But that's when I have a few million in the bank and $10,000 is just funny money. But $10k could have done a lot for us at our current low-limit level, and I blew it. I fucking blew it.

My wife pointed out how greedy I was being and that it was completely masturbatory. I definitely blew my wad on this one. How could I have been so fucking stupid?

I helped some lady fix a flat tire on the way out to work this morning. It was raining and I was down on my hands and knees. Atoning for my sins? Hoping this would bring me some good karma? Make me feel better about myself? It didn't work. I still felt like shit all day at the office, and I called home to apologize profusely. Starting the account was supposed to be free money, +EV; and I made into some unbelievably free money. But then all rational thought left my body and I made it cost us. I pissed away a Vegas weekend. I pissed away long nights at the poker room. I pissed away great Christmas presents for the kids.

It's late on Election night, and it sounds like we won't know who the President will be for at least a few more days. I'm listening to Loveline on the radio. One of the things that I remember Dr. Drew always talking about is how people who made drastic changes in their life, such as getting off drugs or losing a lot of weight, or whatever, the common factor is that they got to a point where they became utterly disgusted with themselves. That's the catalyst for major life changes.

I've never felt bad about losing a hundred or two at the casino once a week. Entertainment fund. No problem. But losing this $10,000, even though it was mostly profit, makes me feel disgusted. I'm still literally sick to my stomach. I detest myself for being such an idiot.

So what life change am I in for? Time to quit gambling? Never gonna happen.

I know I've always been terrible about walking away when I'm up. I always have to go back for one more, and it ends up costing me all of my winnings, if not even more of my starting bankroll, as it did here. I thought I'd never learn my lesson, but finally experiencing it on this grand of a scale... it was an expensive lesson, and one that I've now definitely learned.

Update 11/3, 7:00am: My wife and I took turns trying to make something of the $500 that was left. Nothing. Well, at least the account is closed out completely now and I never have to look at it again. :(